Creating Rhythms for Digital Mindfulness
It’s been years ago now when I first realized that I needed to take a break. Not a break from work, or parenting, or regular life. A break from my phone, and a break from social media.
It slapped me across the cheek leaving a burning sense of shame and shock. My children and I, when they were still very, very young, were making breakfast-pancakes, orange juice, berries, and a toddler picked bunch of flowers from the yard laid out on the table, set with our hand dyed cloth napkins. My son was too small to notice, but the girls were relishing setting the table for a “fancy” family breakfast. It looked so quaint and cozy. I could envision it clearly…plump little hands reaching across the home-y, brunch-y landscape, grabbing a handful of fresh berries, the weekend morning motherhood badge of honor sun drenched flat lay post of Instagram dreams. I grabbed my phone and snapped one photo without interrupting the moment. It was quick, unobtrusive, and unnoticed…and it didn't turn out well. It was a little wonky, a little overexposed.
It was on the tip of my tongue to ask my daughter to reach for the berries again, to try to recreate the unscripted loveliness. It almost came out of my mouth:. “Baby girl, can you just get another blackberry real quick?” In all honesty, she would have done so happily and obliviously. But, that is when the slap of realization stung my face.
Like someone’s obedient pet, I had been well trained to filter my life’s actual moments through the lens of whether or not they might prove to be “‘grammable”. It had gotten to the point where I almost asked my three year old daughter to reenact her authentically memorable breakfast experience, to mimc real life for the sake of record keeping, or worse, vanity and performance. I could not believe myself. I knew I needed to step away and reset my bearings on actual living.
My own life experience and self-knowledge told me that I’d need some structure to achieve a change in my habits. I needed to establish some kind of rhythm that would constrain and guide my choices toward a more mindful approach to digital life. Constraints are what allow us to use tools without being used by them. We can experience and enjoy the benefits of technology and connection, which are numerous, without being formed by the technology itself.
Over the last several years, I have practiced a handful rhythms in daily, weekly, and seasonal use that have worked well for this purpose. I use the word rhythms rather than rules here intentionally. These are practices woven into the regular ebb and flow of living. As such, I can be flexible with their application without feeling like I’ve abandoned them, and I can adjust whenever it is needed.
Daily
First twenty minutes: I start the first twenty minutes of my day without screens of any kind. Sometimes it’s a bit shorter, sometimes it’s a bit longer.
Outings: Any outing we do as a family, like beach days, hikes, library trips, etc., or on dates, I leave my phone in the car whenever possible.
Bedtimes: I have a time limit for phone usage set starting at nine. I also never sleep with my phone in my bedroom-phones go to sleep when we go to sleep, charging in the main room of the house rather than next to the bed. For our children, we have a “no devices of any kind in rooms overnight-ever” policy.
Weekly
I choose one day a week to delete Instagram (this is the only social media on which I am active). I used to do this on Sundays, but during quarantine, Instagram has served as a means of connecting with my church family while we are restricted from meeting in person, so I’ve truly treated this with flexibility and intention.
Seasonal
This is by far my favorite digital rhythm. Four times a year, around the change of the seasons, I take at least two weeks off of all social media, deleting any social apps from my phone completely. Sometimes, this has turned into a full month. Yes, this absolutely messes with my engagement. No, I really can’t make myself care. Keeping this rhythm aligns with my personal values around the use of social media-fretting over numbers does not. I typically find that my self-awareness goes up during these extended social media resting periods, and my anxiety and distractibility go down. I wait until I feel like I have something to say, share, and connect with before re-installing the Instagram app. Once I feel ready in this way, I know I’ll have something worthwhile and value-adding to offer. This rhythm helps to spur creativity, curtail comparison, and foster likeminded community,
Children’s Privacy
I never use my children’s real names on public social media. They are Bluebird, Wildflower, and Little Bear. (I know, you have a toothache it’s all so sweet.) I’ve had to have a somewhat awkward conversation when friends or family who have used their real names in the comment section. Guess what? People are generally amazing, understanding, and reasonable when they are treated with respect! It’s a miracle!
In addition, as of about two years ago, I will not post my children’s photos on social media without their consent. This has been as simple as showing them a photo and asking in a very straightforward way, “Is it ok with you if I share this with my Instagram followers? There are twenty-one thousand of them, and they follow me to see what I make, what I write, and sometimes just the pictures I take.” I’ve only had one of them say no once. I think communicating why I want to share an image of them is just as important as asking for permission.
Phone Usage
I do not have e-mail on my phone, except for when we are out of town. Instead, I sit down once in the morning and sometimes once in the evening to check my e-mail, flag what needs a response later, unsubscribe to marketing campaigns, and generally get organized.
I do not have extraneous apps on my phone. If an application isn’t in regular use, isn’t functional, or doesn’t align with my values around media and phone usage, I don’t keep it. This is an important part of my practice of digital minimalism.
Authenticity
One of the most important strategies for my personal social media boundaries is to treat my feed as a practice in artistic curation, rather than as a public diary. The things I post are often photographs that have been “set up”, so to speak, rather than candid or impromptu daily life photographs. I use these shots as a way of preserving and protecting my authentic, everyday lived experiences. I realize this might feel counterintuitive-everyone on social media loves to talks about the importance of authenticity. There is no greater value in my life than authenticity. What I want is for my every day moments, my unplanned, spontaneous experiences to be a lasting legacy of a life lived authentically, vulnerably, and intentionally. This kind of life can’t simply be packaged into a series of beautiful squares. For me, in fact, I have come to feel this kind of life needs to be somewhat protected from the series of beautiful squares. However, I can reflect and express the values of authenticity, vulnerability, and intentionality in the way I plan, create, edit, and curate what I share on social media. Through intentional creation, I can both live my real life fully and abundantly and offer whole hearted and sincere content.
These rhythms serve as constraints, but they also serve as checkpoints for my relationship with my phone and social media. Whenever I find myself tempted to turn to my phone first thing in the morning, for example, that feeling serves as a chance to ask myself why that desire is there-am I bored, looking for validation, or just wanting a distraction? Why? Likewise, when I am approaching a seasonal social media rest, it is a moment to check in with why I am posting and spending time on my phone at all, to ensure my actions are lining up well with my personal values.
During a time of global isolation, it has sometimes been more difficult for me to draw firm and healthy boundaries around when and how I engage with the world through digital means. Zoom friend meet ups, virtual classrooms, distance dance classes, and community via group text or Instagram rushed in to fill the void of person to person contact. It’s been a struggle to know whether to compromise or adjust to suit the times. In the end, I made the decision to continue to prioritize these rhythms because I know what they provide: a sense of purpose, protected, sacred places and times in my life, and the freedom to enjoy and grow from the digital side of life.
I’m always open to learning more, and I love to hear about other’s experiences with digital minimalism and boundary making. What digital rhythms, guidelines, or rules hold value for you?
If you’d like to follow along on Instagram, you can find me here.
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