Talking to Kids About the News
On Wednesday, the sixth of January in the late morning hour, I spent an alarming amount of time sobbing in my locked bedroom. My children were finishing their last school Zoom meetings of the day and I had just read the news.
I locked my door because I knew the state of me would disturb my children, but I questioned the entire time when and how to talk to them.
My husband came home early from work and we went to the back yard to dig in the dirt and prepare for our spring garden, unable to do much more than invest in our current place and time with our whole hearts. Inevitably, he and I discussed the events that took place at the Capitol building on January 6, 2021.
Our children started asking questions. We were honest and gentle, and we told them that supporters of President Trump, after months of being told that they were being ignored and that their votes were being undermined, after weeks of being egged on by the President’s own words to take action, be stronger, take back their country, fight, to take by force what belongs to them, used that force and violence to breech the Capitol building in an attempt to stop the confirmation of President-elect Biden. All three of our children instantly understood-I didn’t have to explain any further, perhaps because the behavior is symptomatic of the same kind of human impulse acted out on elementary school playgrounds: “its not fair, I don’t want to share, I should have won, you cheated.” It must feel familiar to them.
Many questions followed about how this was allowed to happen and what would happen next and if we were safe. We are fortunate enough to answer honestly that, yes, our safety is not under threat, which is a blessing for which I am deeply grateful. The rest of the questions were more difficult to answer. We did more listening than speaking, I think.
In the aftermath of many events over the last year and beyond, I’ve seen many parents wonder out loud how to talk to their children about such heavy topics. We don’t want to raise them in ignorance of what is happening around them, but neither do we want them to set fear or anger as the plumb line by which to measure their relationship to world events.
While I would never claim to have some kind of definitive answer, nor would I claim to have professional expertise in child psychology, we have developed our own set of guiding principles for how to share with our children. I would love to share them in the spirit of community support-not as an expert seeking to educate, but as a parent seeking to connect. Take these guiding principles as you will, use them if they feel right for you and your family. For reference, my children are 6, 9, and 11, but we have been utilizing some version of these principles for several years.
I always give myself time and space to process on my own first. I actively avoid projecting my own emotional reaction to heavy, difficult news on to my children. This week, that meant waiting several hours before talking about anything with them or in front of them. I think its important to model that being emotional is completely acceptable, but its also destabilizing and upsetting for my children to see me very upset. I wait until I have had enough time to feel and process so that I can express and explain those emotions without forcing them to feel them with me.
I am honest and straightforward about the facts without embellishing or overwhelming with details. Being honest with my children (in a way that isn’t overwhelming) shows my children that I trust them to be able to handle the information. They are resilient and capable young people, and the way they process the news with straightforward comprehension and analysis always amazes me. I guide them, but they often teach me.
I allow their curiosity and questions to lead the conversation. After presenting them with the basic facts in a straightforward manner, I guide the discussion socratically. They ask me so many questions, but they know how to ask good questions because I am constantly asking them questions to draw out their critical thinking. For example, my oldest daughter was reading an article on the attack yesterday (more on that resource in a bit!) and she asked me if it was true that so many representatives actually believe that the vote was fraudulent. I could easily have given her the facts, but instead I asked her why a congress person might behave as though they believe the vote was fraudulent. It took a few follow up questions and a bit more research on her part, but after just a short time, she answered that they must think it will benefit them somehow to contest the results. It was a powerful insight from an eleven year old girl, and one which many adults have a hard time accepting.
I’m not afraid to say “I don’t know”. It is a high value in our household to admit when we don’t know or that we were wrong or that we changed our mind. It is very important to me that I model for my children the sacredness of uncertainty and the potential of curiosity. The answer “I don’t know” is often followed up by “let’s find out together”.
I lean on reputable, age appropriate resources and model for my children how to be a critical, responsible consumer of information. Reputable, highly accountable, fact checked sources of information and news, far from being “the enemy of the people” as far right extremist will claim, are part of the life blood of democracy. Period. While there is no such thing as an unbiased news source (any who claim to be are lying to you), a news source that acknowledges their bias is more likely to contend with it. I respect that. For kid friendly news, we often use NewsELA, which provides newspaper style reporting across many topics, and multiple lexile levels for each article. It requires a membership, which we have access to through my children’s school, but I’d subscribe even if we didn’t. For simple lessons on historical events as well as science, we often use Brain Pop as a resource. It is especially great for younger kids. There are many, many wonderful, multi cultural, anti-racists curriculums you can also find that I haven’t tried but I’d encourage you to explore! I have also been known to share pre-screened episodes of favorite podcasts (my daughters learned a whole lot by listening to the interview with Elizabeth Warren on Pantsuit Politics!)
I set a goal as a parent to guide, not indoctrinate. If my children end up drawing a different conclusion than I do, I accept that and hear them out. I want to establish an environment where pluralism is celebrated and disagreement is seen as enriching, as long as that disagreement is based on verifiable evidence. I do this both for the sake of our family’s future relationships, and for the sake of my children as citizens of a democratic nation, where pluralism is essential to healthy governance.
I always end with hope. I believe in the hope of democracy, and in our potential as citizens to effect change. I genuinely believe we have loads of work to do. Above and underlying everything else, however, is our hope in the living, active, gracious, generous God of justice in whom we place our trust, the period on every sentence we utter, the safe landing place of every emotion we experience, the source of all empathy and action.
After reading several articles in NewsELA on Wednesday, including one entitled “American Cities Declare Racism a Public Health Crisis”, my oldest daughter came and asked if she could write some messages in chalk on our side walk. I asked her what she wanted to write, and she responded, “I want to write Black Lives Matter. I want to write Act Now. I want to show that it’s important.” And, of course, I said yes because, of course, she is correct, and, of course, she has the right and the responsibility to say so. And I couldn’t help but feeling that we are doing something right and that our kids are going to be ok.
I’d love to know what guiding principles you might use to discuss difficult topics with your children, should you be willing to share. I think its really important to trust your instincts as a parent-you will know what is right for both you as a parent and what’s right for the children with whom you have been entrusted. Not every approach is right for every family, and the more we share, the more options we have!
Kindly take a look at our Community Respect Statement if you’d like to leave a comment.
x Nicole
