An Introvert in Isolation

If you’ve felt the fatigue of crowds and noise, if you’ve felt loneliest in a group, or if you’ve missed the comfort of your own company, you and I likely have thing or two in common.

I am the most introverted of introverts. This has nothing to do with being shy or lacking confidence, but it does define from where I derive energy. Extroverts absorb energy from others; they crave outside input to feel stimulated, challenged , and invigorated. Introverts are more like plants than animals in some ways. We are enlivened in rooting down and soaking up energy seemingly from the air itself, quietly converting that stillness into health and growth. We need one another to function well even in the best of times.

I feel for extroverts in isolation. When I have the chance to check in, I can feel the vibrating frustration humming off the skin of some of my most loved people, a restless energetic need unmet within the confines of home’s walls and home’s people. Introverts obviously require people and interaction, too, we all do, just in varying degrees and in varying ways. Of course it seems as though isolation should be so much easier for an introvert like me. I suppose in some ways it is easier. But I have also found it to be extremely challenging to meet my introverted needs at home with my beloveds.

Separate from the grief of losing routines that mark the passage of time and meaningful daily accomplishments, separate from vague anxiety about the future and a prickly reaction to the phrase “new normal”, I have felt keenly the pinch of home isolation as an introvert.

I have realized very quickly how many tiny pockets of my day I had cultivated as moments that were simply apart. A twenty minute reprise for morning tea and writing between school drop off and the start of my work day was a cherished window of introvert bliss. I’d leave the convertible wall of my little nook of a classroom closed during my break to sit and listen to the pre-school students playing outside without interruption from my colleagues. A ten minute gap between dance pick-up and dinner was saved for sitting in my room and taking in the afternoon sunshine through the open window. By the end of the day, these tiny, protected reprieves added up to quite a lot of unplugged, nutritive time, and they are now mostly gone. My children and husband are *shock, horror* ALWAYS HERE! Lord knows I love them more than anything in this world, but for an introvert like me, the constant bouncing needs of my extroverted six year old son, the constant feedback needed by both my girls for their school work and beyond, the constant Zoom schedule I print out and fill in packed to the gills every week, and simply constantly feeding these people all day every day is exhausting. There is so much more talk and touch required of the mother of this household right now, it can leave me quite depleted. Have you felt this?

I’ve reacted to this by asking specifically for space. My husband has taken the kids out of the house for me a handful of times. I’ve had to tell myself that it is not at all bananas that I should crave time at home alone during shelter in place. I know it sounds bananas. Don’t tell me it’s bananas. When we are sheltering in place, it feels very counter intuitive to say that what I want more than anything is some alone time. But it’s the truth! This few hours when Sam has taken our three to do something outside of the house, usually a walk or a social distance swim at grandma and grandpa’s, I have typically just sat in a quiet house, not doing much of anything. I miss the space I have built into my days to just be with my own thoughts, and carving out that space right now has been extremely valuable.

A second practice I’ve implemented is having everyone use headphones. Just the noise associated with all five of us at home in a relatively small house (less than 1,000 square feet) can feel very overwhelming to me. I started self isolation avoiding using headphones myself, because I know this to be a little bit of a cop out for me. It’s easy to put on my headphones and play music or a podcast and just check out, but doing this doesn’t really fulfill my introvert need to unplug, nor does it make me available to the needs of my people. Headphones have helped, however, when it comes to my kid’s school work, school meetings, and music. We have no set system or schedule, but allowing my three kids to use headphones to participate in their school work or just listen to their own music or podcasts has not only cut down on the general cacophony, but also provides periods of engaged silence without resorting to video games or television. Sam and I have had to place limits on headphone usage, as well, of course. We are also trying not to encourage the kind of home where everyone exists in their own bubble of media consumption. In this moment, however, these bubbles, indulged in limited doses, have been a saving grace for me.

The third practice I’ve been trying to implement is daily writing. It takes all of my intention and self-reflection to write, and there are many, many days that I simply have not had the emotional or mental capacity to do it. Communicating with my husband to set aside uninterrupted time to write hasn't always resulted in actual writing, but just protecting that time at some point in the day at least gives me the chance to make that discovery. In protecting a little writing pocket, whether that consists of journaling, midrash, poetry, or writing for the blog, I can check in with myself and get a read on my emotional barometer. The days I can’t bring myself to write anything significant become a signpost for me letting me know that I might be experiencing more stress or anxiety than I had previously recognized. In repose to this, I can get outside, do some yoga, take a nap, or check in with a friend to chat. While writing itself is often cathartic for me, not being able to write has served as a diagnostic tool for my unrecognized emotional or mental needs.

I’m so curious to know if anyone out there has also experienced this kind of counter-intuitive introvert stress during stay at home orders. If you have, please feel free to share your experience! I’d love to know if and how you’ve managed to make it work for you.